The Grinning Gargoyle

Weirdly nothing particularly weird has happened recently.

Yesterday morning during that period when you’re beginning to wake my body felt good, when i was more awake i realised it was because i’d had a brief period with no pain. Interesting how sometimes the absence of something feels so good.

Nico has kindly given us a high powered juicer so yesterday I used it for the first time and typically for me didn’t take the little cap off the outlet. When I did melon juice flooded the immediate area.

Have experienced my first negative interactions this week. Initially it was earlier in the week and someone with not the best ‘bedside manner’, and it really jarred as it stood out from all my other exchanges so far. It was compounded over Thursday and Friday,so I decided to try and be proactive and make alternative arrangements. Unfortunately i couldn’t but experienced a further range of interactions. For example one person said ‘I should be grateful’ for what was actually pretty shoddy treatment, ‘How dare you’ was my response and they apologised. At the other end of the scale people were not only sympathetic but really helpful and thoughtful. Finally that which needed to be done to me was done, fortunately not by the one with the poor manner, and was done by someone who cared and my faith was reaffirmed. (It’s quite hard writing this without naming or giving away who it might be, hence the convolutions!).

Does make me think though about the nature of my human fellows (although their behaviour is probably more down to nurture). There is significant cognitive dissonance going on; if you are in a caring profession and behave in an uncaring manner there is a severe lack of self-awareness. If someone, for example, complained about my treatment of a child in my classroom i would be mortified and immediately look to change things. This makes me realise that i should do something and somehow give feedback, if nothing else it would be for such people’s professional well-being.

Kate quite low this morning, it’s finally really sinking in – I have cancer. It will be a while before we can even think about getting beyond the immediacy of treatment and all it’s effects, not just on me but Kate, our family our whole life. Not happy about thinking of it as a battle as people often refer to having cancer, will ponder this until I come up with a concept I feel better fits for me.

This has been the hardest piece to write, partly because nothing really came to me since the last piece, partly trying to write about stuff when I can’t give names, and partly because I’ve been in an increasing funk seeing that grinning gargoyle Farage everywhere.

Despite this, or maybe because of this, keep on keeping on.

love Duncan


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