Seems that my body is following a pattern as I’ve been feeling pretty shit this week, same as the week after my first dose of chemo. District nurse came on Tuesday to disconnect infuser and replace line dressing, she was brilliant and such a contrast to the first one. I was getting angry being attached to the diffuser: it pumps poison into me, it restricts movement, washing is awkward. I felt relief at it’s disconnection.
We were planning to go to see a film with Grace and Ruby yesterday, I didn’t go in the end because I felt so shit. Trying to describe the feeling on chemo is difficult, it’s easy to describe the different pains throughout my body; what’s not so easy is describing the malaise. The malaise is informed by my knowledge that the chemo toxins are attacking many of my body’s cells as well as the crabby ones. This fuels the feeling, actually the actualite, that my body is under attack. I feel tired, I get tired out doing low level physical activities, my body is partially shutting down to deal with the attack. It is this knowledge that this attack is deliberate, it’s not from an infection or a disease, it’s from cytotoxic chemicals being pumped into my body that unsettles me. The mental unpicking is hard, especially as the mental faculties are probably also under attack. It’s weird.
There is a constant taste in my mouth that is unsettling, things taste different. I’ll try badoit David but it won’t taste to me as you know it.
On some level it’s the relatively trivial things like taste and losing my hair that upset me more.
Proposal: can we stop calling all the really rich fuckers the ‘elite’. They are not superior they are simply obscenely wealthy. What about Kleptocrats. They are just fucking filchers. Stat of the day: the average kleptocrat’s wealth increases by about $300,000 every minute (ref. Oxfam). Get your pitch forks here.
What a surprise to read today that “punitive drug laws are failing”. This has been evident for many a year, one country after another is quietly admitting that ‘the war on drugs’ has not worked. Of course taking drugs have harmful, sometimes fatal, effects but to treat users as criminals is plain wrong. It is a health issue. Decriminalisation would open up the possibility of a healthier debate and creation of healthier policies and approaches. Ignore the Mail and their ilk, they peddle a drug far more dangerous.
So, manifesto thing 3:
- decriminalise drug use.
Jules’ suggestions for staying ‘young’ include a parking reference, I once left a note on a neighbour’s car they often left parked on the pavement outside their house that if they did it again I would treat their car as part of the pavement, they didn’t do it again which was a shame.
Keep on keeping on, love Duncan.