Pint of Landlord please.

As we went to enter the pub we noticed the sign “please leave pitchforks in straw bales”, we heartily complied both commenting on the satisfying feeling as we plunged the twin prongs into the yielding straw. Plucking a straw each to chew we pushed open the pub door to reveal many folk with pints in hand, landlord said “the usual?”, and with a nod we felt the bigotry and the sanctity of racist self-righteousness course through our veins.

OK, so I didn’t realise Jo’s piku was ukip backwards. I had learnt a few meanings for piku though.

And it’s a worry that folk now equate having a pint in the pub with the grinning gargoyle. Do we need to reclaim the pint, do we need to ask for pint glasses that have on them ‘I am not a UKIPPER’ ? No, we just continue having pints in the pub with our mates.

What we don’t do though is participate in or condone the latest incarnation of ‘banter’, includes you too Tom. There’s a young man calls himself Dapper Laughs (real name Daniel O’Reilly)  who’s made his name through social media producing “banter”. Stephanie Merritt in today’s Observer labels him “the Nigel Farage of modern comedy”, ooh the linkage in this blog. Anyway this is not banter in my understanding of the term, this is a cover for twats like O’Reilly to be extremely misogynist. Sorry, shouldn’t call him a twat, but sadly many of our terms of abuse come from female genitalia so I’ll call him a wanker, or WANKA as they say in Sarf London. Sorry if that’s offensive to anyone but it’s only banter. Under the guise of ‘banter’ Wanka O’Reilly and his ilk tell ‘jokes’ about rape, and reducing “women to a collection of holes to be conquered”, and if you object you just don’t get their ironic banter, and, as in the case of two people who reviewed Wanka O’Reilly’s christmas album, a storm of twitter abuse.

So thinking about abuse my body is feeling pretty abused from all the treatment I’m getting to kill the crabby killer. Cough slightly better today but have developed regime that seems to manage it a little better. I have been feeling quite ill with signs of fever like the cough, sweating, aching but no temperature rise. Felt a little sorry for myself yesterday as I couldn’t have a proper massage, lying on my front is very difficult with the alien piercing, Kate still did a brilliant job and I fell asleep.

Kate is missing me, I’ve changed and she and I want the old Duncan back. No matter what ‘positive spin’ you put on things, the reality is our lives have changed dramatically and it’s hard; it’s hard physically, mentally, emotionally, as individuals, a couple and a family. We both look forward to when the treatment is over and I begin to return to some physical normality and hopefully eradication of the crabby fucker. We’ve already booked next summer’s holiday, neither of us has ever booked a holiday this far in advance.

Off for a cardiac CT scan tomorrow, wonder what they’ll find. When I had the piercing the camera they stick down your gullet found that my stomach had a hiatus hernia. No more midnight feasts for me.

Really enjoyed my pint in the pub yesterday, it was Timothy Taylor’s Landlord, it tasted so good I had another half. Mike and I were too late arriving to get the best seats so I just got 2 seats and we sat hunkered down in front of the telly. I know we pissed a couple of people off but they were too polite to say anything, nor did they offer to ‘budge up’. I was wearing my new beanie hat which someone pulled off half way through the game. While replacing it I said be careful or I’ll get the ‘Crown of Madness’ and that would really piss them off. When we were leaving, after the cheating All Blacks had won, the hat remover came and said sorry, someone had obviously told him about the crab fuck, no hard feelings but it was probably a good thing the pitchforks were left outside the pub.

Manifesto 12:

  • referees that don’t get to grips with the dark arts of the All Blacks, their constant sly obstruction being the most egregious example, are not allowed to referee them again.

The crowd’s singing of ‘Swing Low’ completely drowned out the haka, that was good.

Keep on keeping on, love Duncan.

and to keep Tim happy here are some grinning gargoyle images:

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6 thoughts on “Pint of Landlord please.

  1. I didn’t sus the PIKU thing either Dunc, but nowadays I am chuffed if I know what day it is. Could start a trend though…… Y Rot? Unfortunatley, my newly-joined party, the SNP, sounds distinctly dodgy if spelled out phonetically backwards.
    Anyhow, I looked up Dapper Laughs on YouTube and he is obviously ironically named. Not really very threatening IMHO – I can’t see him converting anyone from being a sentient human into a misogynist. Surely anyone who thinks his stuff is cool is a total tube anyway? Of course, it is worrying how many people seem to check him out, judging by his hit tally – but maybe they are all Guardian readers doing a bit of ‘background reading’?
    And the hat stealer? Must have been a priceless moment of self-revelation when he was tipped off about your reason for wearing it. Oh, to have been a fly on the wall……..
    For what it’s worth, I can’t imagine the real Duncan has gone away – maybe pushed into the sidings occasionally. You’ve been through some other serious shit in your life and have re-appeared the other side as ‘Duncan’ as ever. I don’t believe for a second that, once the pain and the sleeplessness and the invasive tinkering and all the other crap has stopped, you will go back to being Real Dunc full time. OK, when your hair grows back it might be ginger and curly, but we never loved you for your hair anyway.
    Keep up keeping it up
    By the way, do you get the gastric tube if you want to get to Snt Pancreas? Just asking…..

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  2. Dunc
    My Manifesto for the Birthday Party will be:
    2 child policy
    All significant government, religion and company organisations must be run by at least 30% women
    Maximum inheritance £100,000 per child. 100% tax for anything more. The little blighters didn’t earn it so it goes into a fund to improve the world.
    If you live here you pay full tax. Criminal offence to have an offshore trust.
    Legal system total start again – all existing laws and precedents cancelled. A single book produced covering all laws and common sense applied to it. Maximum time for a court case depending on severity: 1 hour/ 1 day/ 1 week (max for anything, civil or criminal).
    New Sharia style appeal system, put onto local TV so that the people can object if panel or decisions are inept.
    Halve the prison population. Introduce very embarrassing consequences fitting the crime, and unavoidable public service. Victim total reparation by culprit and their opinion taken into consideration when sentencing.
    All prisoners required to work. All ex prisoners offered appropriate work.
    All government forms become 1 page maximum.
    Everyone presumed to be organ donors
    Multiculuralism stopped. Integration required. Burkas banned.
    Private schools closed.
    Maximum class size set by area – rich areas higher, poor areas lower. Teacher pay increased where the job is tougher.
    Home working promoted heavily.
    Mobile phone companies forced to provide coverage of the whole of the UK with 4G
    Vast areas of sea become recreational fishing only
    Paedophilia is recognised as an illness. Sufferers offered castration. Anyone convicted put in nice permanent jails because they cannot control the urge.
    Massive increase in tax on investment properties phased in over the next 30 years
    Dramatic increase in how we treat anyone (and their families) disabled or killed when in public service, including armed services, police, fire, etc. Big pensions, special parking rights, health queue jumping etc.
    Mental health vast increase in funding
    Max payment terms for small and medium companies 21 days
    Australian style immigration rules introduced covering all immigration including EU
    Automatic, instant removal of all non UK passport holders with significant criminal conviction
    Optional retirement at 65 for everyone.
    Nuclear power introduced heavily. 2% reduction of carbon output every year, reaching zero in 50 years.
    Leave the EU because they’ll stop the above
    Income tax 10% above £10k. VAT increased to take up slack.
    Reintroduce Matrons.
    Prioritise medical spend depending on age.
    New Minister for Loneliness, focussing on old people
    Corduroy and grapefruit illegal

    …discuss

    Like

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