The BBs

A record, slept for three solid hours. This allowed me to have my first REM sleep (apparently REM sleep doesn’t start until you’ve already been asleep for two hours) in ages. This would explain the weird dream I had in which I lost my religion, especially weird as I’m an atheist (just for you Mike).

Notice none of you writers who read my blog offered up any advice about coping with writer’s block or my fatigued state, don’t like the competition eh? Anyway I’ve sorted it and have given a recent graduate a 3 month internship.

Sleeping is improving, so hopefully my cognitive and mental functioning will also improve, I hope so as I’ve been worrying lately about some sort of mental regression; imagine, with such consequences as voting UKIP, reading the mail and supporting chelski it just doesn’t bear cogitating over.

Pain levels seem to be subsiding and I’m thinking about cooking which is subtly different to obsessing about food and eating.

Went for a little walk on the seafront with Kate yesterday and it really is hard work for me now, think it will be a long haul getting my fitness and strength back. It was a lovely sunny day and we were enjoying just sitting in the sunshine when Kate remembered I have to protect my neck from the sun. My neck doesn’t seem too damaged, my unction may well have worked so I’ll resume the business enterprise under guru Martin early in the new year.

Twat of the day,and there are a few contenders, is Alun Jones a private school head teacher. He claims Labour are returning to “70s class war” with their proposals to limit tax breaks for private education. No mate, you and your lot have been guilty of perpetrating class war since well before the 70s and increasingly so since then. This is the thrust of his argument: “the capacity to buy an expensive home near an excellent school represented greater privilege than a decision to make “huge sacrifices” to pay for private education.” Whichever way you cut this argument Mr Jones, offspring only get into the schools, whether ‘top state’ schools or private, if parents have the money. And to try and mitigate the argument with the emotive “huge sacrifices” merely confirms how removed Mr Jones is from the lives of so many of his countrymen and women. For fucks sake Labour give the privileged cage a little shake and look at the response. And as ever it’s the ‘elite’ who cry foul claiming it’s class war. Yes it is class war, you started it and I hope we’ll finish it.

Worrying trend in education which has been going on for over 30 years now is GERM, Global Education Reform Movement, to which I was only alerted to today (have I been so blinkered?).  For those of you who’ve been paying any sort of attention to changes in education in this country this will not be a shock but all the pieces are now pretty much in place:

  1. a common, centralised curriculum, standardization of educational content
  2. focus on ‘core’ subjects, to detriment of the arts, PE etc
  3. low-risk ways of reaching ‘educational goals’, so have limited pedagogical styles, no room or time for any possible alternatives
  4. use of corporate management models to run schools, manage teachers
  5. test-based accountability policies

So as schools have been cut adrift more and more from each other, that’s what the free school and academisation have been all about, they rely more on curricula, teaching resources and testing supplied by private companies. The corporatisation of education is almost complete, to read more:    Very sad days for an old teacher, we won’t be needed soon anyway, just plonk the students in front of a computer.

Thanks David and Den with comments on the shadowy ones, the really nasty ‘masters of the universe’, who lurk behind all that is wrong with our current world. Love your ranting David and yes I agree any effective change will only come through direct action of us the people. As regard to naming the shadowy ones, like your suggestion Den from the Bilderburg Group, through bilderbuggers to the BBs, so unless anything else develops the shadowy ones will be the BBs. Whilst reading about a book called ‘The True Story of the Bilderburg Group and What They May be Planning Now’ by Daniel Estulin, picked up the following from noted Australian academic and activist Alex Carey (1922 – 1988)  ‘the three most important 20th century developments – “The growth of democracy, the growth of corporate power, and the growth of corporate propaganda as a means of protecting corporate power against democracy.”’ Adam Curtis provides interesting takes on this in his various documentaries (Charlie Brooker used some of his latest in last night’s Screenwipe 2014). And now I realise I’m beginning to delve into areas that a foreshortened blog will never do justice, well have you watched any of Adam Curtis’s documentaries?

Manifesto 51:

  • let’s really bring on class warfare and target the biggest perpetrators of the class war who are, of course, the kleptos, the big landowners, corporations, the aristocracy, any who consider themselves part of the elite and Jose Mourinho.

Keep on keeping on, love Duncan


Come on you Syriza.

What’s happening? Until last week I’d manage to get something written every day, I’d obsess, sometimes obsessively so, thinking about what I was going to write. Now I don’t, I still want to write something daily but somehow the day slips by and no blog is written. Maybe I’m just a lazy bastard, I mean all I do is laze around all day not doing a great deal, surely I can at least put a few sentences together. Well this initial post treatment phase is easily the most difficult, painful (physically and mentally) and tiring.

I am only able to sleep up to 2 hours in any one go, more typically it’s about an hour. So I think I’m getting into serious sleep debt. I wake up in the morning feeling more tired than the day before.

There is the possibility that my treatment has somehow impaired my mental functioning, sleeplessness will be compounding this. See, my mind has ‘gone blank’ again and I’ve lost the train of thought I was on, perhaps need to consider other modes of transporting my thoughts, maybe a nice little bicycle of thought will keep me going for a while. Anyway, not going to force it, am off to have my breakfast and hope that something turns up.

So what is worse; to lose your voice or your sense of taste? Stupid question I know but even though I’ve got, hopefully temporarily, loss of both I’d find it hard to choose. My predominant emotion after losing my taste was sadness, on losing my voice frustration and anger.

Were you aware of the anti-Chelsea conspiracy to portray them as a diving team? I know few who read this will care but I have developed a deep antipathy to Moanrino and his Chelski. This supposed conspiracy comes after a few people had commented on the diving tendencies of some Chelsea players. Then when a Chelsea player falls over after being fouled in the penalty area he is given a yellow card instead of a penalty. Now this may have cost Chelsea a win and Moanrino realises this and as ever looks to afford blame elsewhere.  I do wish he would go elsewhere, but then I’d be denying Mark’s pantomime pleasure.

I wrote of Podomos in Spain a few weeks ago now Syriza in Greece are taking the limelight. Like Podemos they are a recent phenomena and in a short time have become the leading party. They are against ‘austerity’ and they are causing serious panic in the ‘market’. Now we mustn’t upset the ‘market’ but just do as it bids. Especially not now when the austere approach is beginning to work, except that it’s not beginning to work. All that they tell us about debt is a figment. What happened in 2007 was the falling apart of an unsustainable capitalism, yet it’s the workshy Greeks, British scroungers and of course Gordon Brown who were responsible for all this.

At last we have a serious alternative being offered to a nation and it’s great. There is already serious bribing going on alongside dire warnings from an array of institutions and people, all ultimately funded by the shadowy ones (we must get a name for them David). But I sincerely hope the Greeks vote for Syriza and they get the chance to implement some of their policies which basically amount to helping the poor, sorting out tax fraud and other rich folk shenanigans and a reframing of the Greek ‘debt’, even writing the debt off. This happened to the Germans; in the 1950’s they were complaining that they would never have economic recovery while burdened with war reparation debts. These debts were wiped clean and the results have been plain to see over the last 50 years. So it was OK for Germany then but not poor little Greece now. And, ironically, it’s been the Germans pushing for the harsh ‘austerity’ measures in Greece.

But there might be a domino effect, after Greece it will be Spain, then Ireland (just found out that Sinn Fein are the latest anti-austerity party) then ………? Now this general writing off debt thing used to happen regularly in other civilizations, seems like it’s time has come for our civilization.

Now which party in dear old blighty is anti-austerity? Just the Greens, so maybe, just maybe, if things start to happen in Greece and elsewhere it could be a really interesting election here next May. Come on Millibean, there’s still time.

Manifesto 50:

  • enough austerity, let’s bring some real hope to people, write off all debts.

Keep on keeping on, love Duncan


Of course it’s class war.

Not doing very well lately as this becomes a rather intermittent blog. Thing is writing my typical blog takes 1-2 hours and in my current state I can’t stay on task, as we say in the SEN game, anywhere near that long. Wrote a fair bit yesterday but it didn’t save, and that was probably my best writing yet.

It’s been very hard in ways I’d never envisaged. Not eating and drinking I knew would be difficult, I also knew having this at christmas even harder but it suddenly denies you so much of the basics of life, not just the physical and sensory, but the social and psychological. I even ‘eat’ at different times as it’s not pleasant for others to see me injecting into my stomach while they’re eating, should cover myself up like a baby at the breast.

I knew there was a possibility of losing my voice but hadn’t contemplated it a great deal. It creates immediate frustrations as we are so dependent on communication to oil our lives.  Obviously writing is an answer, but somewhat laborious. I can sign to some extent with Makaton, but no one else knows it in the household.

I recall from various programmes and documentaries about deaf/mute people that there is a high degree of anger, is this the case? Because from my brief experience it is incredibly frustrating, especially when in an environment where everyone else is speaking. I think I wrote in my last blog about feeling very low and isolated on christmas morning, this is reflected in the following quote: “Not being able to talk sucks. There’s no doubt about that. There’s a lot of times when I almost feel like I’m trapped inside of myself. Like if I don’t talk or yell or scream or laugh I’m going to explode. A lot of the time it almost feels like I’m suffocating.”
Keary Taylor, What I Didn’t Say 

I’ve touched on feeling more vulnerable before and this seems to have developed alongside increased sensitivity. If someone touches me lightly when I’m not aware I will twitch, even ‘jump’. I think it’s some sort of hypersensitivity which my body has developed, it realises I’m not 100% physically and is compensating to help. Does feel very weird though as I keep ‘jumping’ so often.

So we have the annual post christmas sport of writing about fox hunting. There was a piece about fox hunting in the Grauniad by someone calling themselves Melissa Kite, a quick search reveals she writes for GQ, the Spectator, the mail and sunday telegraph. One of her accusations is that objectors to hunting are perpetrating a class war. And what’s your point Ms Kite? Of course it’s class war, but it’s a term you and your class (and lackeys and apologists and arse lickers) use only one way. For example you keep quiet about the austerity campaign which is basically class war against the poor. All the poor folk’s hunting and other activities involving the killing of animals have been made illegal because they are cruel. Are foxes somehow different to these other animals? The hunting toffs have generally ignored the law anyway. Lovely photo in yesterday’s Grauniad of a hunter falling off her horse in front of a number of onlookers, how embarrassing. In times when so many are struggling, to witness the toffs parading round on expensive horses chasing poor renard, which is supposed to be illegal, then it is very clearly class war.

Manifesto 49:

  • all those who continue to maintain that chasing a small mammal while sat on a much larger mammal and dressed in some ridiculous outfit be ridiculed in ways deemed suitable by fair minded folk. They also need to be aware that they call this ‘hunting’ with the odds against the poor fox rather large: 1 fox against lots of weirdly dressed toffs on horseback plus large pack of hounds.

Keep on keeping on, love Duncan.

Up the positive.

It’s 3.50 a.m. on boxing day morn, hope you all had good times yesterday. Have been up and down from bed trying to manage pain and the thick throat thecretions that are quite unpleasant.

In my last blog I wrote about only relaying improvements in my condition, glad I didn’t write positive in my fevered state. Improvements in my condition will include mental and cognitive functioning, not just the physical (do any of you have problems typing certain words? one of mine is physical which always comes out as physiacal or pysiclial). After our successful trip to Devizes for the ruby wedding anniversary I then planned to have a couple of glasses of champagne on christmas day and have some christmas lunch, Kate even put a bottle in the fridge in preparation. So, on christmas day I can’t eat, drink and speak.

I got through the present opening well enough, as did the lovely children, and Kate only slightly raised her voice a couple of times. Kate and Jaike then began cooking a full English and I took myself to the bedroom. I could smell all the lovely aromas but knew I’d be having none of it. I couldn’t even talk with Kate about how I felt, I think that this was my lowest point yet. I felt trapped, like some sort of mental claustrophobia. For probably the first time in my life I had a brief insight into hopelessness, it is incredibly distressing.

But you’re not writing about improvements Duncan, well I am, and it’s got nothing to do with that black eyed pea person. I was expecting to eat and drink on christmas day, when I couldn’t this made what was already pretty intolerable even more so. Check out David’s first manifesto point in comment on last blog. I’d ‘let my guard down’ and allowed the buzz of the champagne and social conviviality to seduce me. The improvement is in increased awareness.

Kate, Jaike, Grace and Ruby were brilliant yesterday, especially Kate. She was responsible for making the day into one that all the children enjoyed and her grumpy, crabby husband got through.

And yet there are some small signs of improvement. There were no level 10 pains yesterday, I felt sure I could taste honey and certainly the mocha flavour of one of the fortisips (the nutritional stuff I’m injecting into my peg) I’d swallowed a bit of and which kept unpleasantly repeating.Last night  I was in bed from 11.30 until 3.00 a.m. instead of staying on the sofa as I have the previous few nights. Swallowing very slightly easier and less after effects.

Careful Duncan, don’t get carried away now, these may all be illusory because of morphine muddlement and sleep deprivation.

But all the treatment torture has finally finished, at least I can look forward to reclaiming my body and mind.

Enough of me, isn’t it cheering to see the latest shift in the polls with labour going up, tories down and ukip at best flatlining. The always optimistic part of me explains this recent trend to more people finally waking up and seeing the tory austerity bollocks for what it is, that despite all their faults labour are the best bet for all those who aren’t rich and the sheer unpleasantness of ukip. Kate phoned up my key nurse a couple of days ago and she told Kate how she just bursts out laughing now whenever she sees farage on TV after me replying to various medics question “do I have any allergies” with “only farage”. Gave me a little warm glow hearing that.

Made me a little sad reading Julie Limb’s card when she wrote she’ll miss my blog when this is all over. Well, it will be a few years yet before it’s all over with the crabby thing, they keep an eye on you for 5 years with regular checkups before giving the all clear. And there is still the chance that all this treatment will have been for nought. Anyway, I enjoy writing it and it will continue in some form or other, so even if it’s just you reading it Julie I will keep on keeping on.

I like David’s thinking re. positive thinking, but will amend slightly:

Manifesto 48:

  • ban simplistic positive thinking. Positive thinkers look haughtily DOWN on others of a different persuasion and do not allow, for example, the simple pleasure of things turning out better than feared. Instead develop a more properly holistic approach, can’t have the Ying without the other thing.

Keep on keeping on, love Duncan.

My and Cameron’s pain

Sorry about lack of blogging, not so much blogger’s block more blogger’s feeling absolutely shit. But it’s been the last visit to the radio saloon? I know and for that I’m happy. But I’ve been feeling increasingly crap for a week and suddenly my life is all about pain control. Haven’t slept longer than about an hour at a time for over 3 days. It’s likely to get worse for a few more days, which is extremely hard to contemplate. I can’t eat, drink, talk, very tired, mouth, tongue and throat covered in ulcers. Grace is my favourite daughter ever and i promise to buy her 10 ponies just for being so awesome yay xxxxx

My blog has been hacked!

My family have kept me going, well, a fair number of them.

Unless there is any really significant worsening I promise to only write about improvements in my condition, well it is christmas. Christmas that time of year when we eat, drink, be merry, all of which I love to do.

So before I get self-pitying again hope all of you who celebrate christmas have a good time. Don’t worry Jo, there’s lots I’ve read and thought about in recent days to write loads of ranty stuff.

Happy christmas and keep on keeping on, love Duncan

Don’t read this as it’s depressing and shouldn’t be inflicted on people at this time of year when so many of us are in the midst of an orgy of spending, planning the perfect christmas day and boosting the profits of so many of those lovely kleptos

Currently I am of the opinion that there is something worse than not being able to taste food and drink and that is having a thirst and not being able to drink. I can drink, but only very small amounts and anything I can swallow causes excruciating pain. So I torture myself thinking about drinking something so sublimely simple as a glass of cold tap water.

I’m back, not that you knew any different,I fell asleep as I’m frequently prone to. Before ! dozed off I was cogitating about which was worse: being thirsty and there being no water or being thirsty and there is water available but you are unable to drink.

Poor Mike drove me to the hospital and those of you who know Mike know that he loves to talk, but it’s hard to talk when only one of you is talking. My voice has pretty much gone as well, I can talk very quietly and for short periods but again it’s painful and I’ve been advised to keep it to a minimum. It’s also embarrassing for me because my damaged throat produces copious amounts of phlegm, about which I am indefatigably not phlegmatic about.

Maybe I shouldn’t be writing this now as it will just be a downer for anyone reading it, especially at christmas time. Yet trying to express the truth, or at least my version of it, has been one of the watchwords for my blog, I’ll stick a warning in the title to put people off reading it.

Had my first, albeit brief, panic today with the ‘mask’ on since my first zapping session. I’ve sort of set it up because over the weekend with being in such pain the thought of 4 more sessions filled me with dread. It is so hard because you know that what is causing so much pain is going to be done again. Had last treatment meeting with key nurse and speech and language therapist. Nurse asked me if I thought it was going to be this hard, I replied no. She went on to tell me that the consultant thinks that head and neck cancer treatments are the worst and they’ve given me almost 3 months of heavy duty treatment!

They did say that my neck, although quite red, is looking good so they said they’re impressed with my unction. Of course they might have said it just to try and make me feel better.

Will have new pain management routine tomorrow, hopefully it will help.

Here’s some bollocks, probably written by someone who’s never been in serious pain:

Manifesto 47:

  • time for someone to replace Paxman as quizperson for university challenge. His oxbridge bias is painful to witness, although it was fun in a recent episode when, I think it was Liverpool, and they were taking the piss somewhat and Paxo didn’t get it. Ignorant git.

Keep on keeping on, love Duncan.

Pain and mandate

I’m in a pretty bad way, hence no blog yesterday. The zapping has continued to wreak it’s havoc on my throat which is now continually painful, sometimes excruciatingly so. Swallowing anything, even sputum, is very, very, very painful. If I do swallow something It triggers a horrible coughing fit and most is regurgitated. So I’ve begun using the horrible, now essential, peg. The morphine is going down quickly, straight into my stomach.

What is particularly galling is I’m only four treatments from the end, I really began to think I’d make it through eating and drinking relatively normally. Oh the dangers of positive thinking. I was actually beginning to look forward to Christmas and having a couple of glasses of champagne, might still inject them through peg.

All this also causes varying degrees of disorientation, partly as a result of lack of sleep, and what should be simple tasks like writing a bleedin’ blog become become so much harder. Will discuss this in greater depth later as it gives me further insight into different aspects of the human condition.

Kate probably more upset than me. She’s just set up her massage table, we have to use a load of cushions and pillows to allow for the peg while on my front. I slept through most of yesterday’s massage, Kate has magic hands.

Just been emailed this photo by Tarisha, so need to trawl images for horrible image of man suffering from radiotherapy treatment, thanks Tarisha:

Keep on keeping on, love Duncan.