Up the positive.

It’s 3.50 a.m. on boxing day morn, hope you all had good times yesterday. Have been up and down from bed trying to manage pain and the thick throat thecretions that are quite unpleasant.

In my last blog I wrote about only relaying improvements in my condition, glad I didn’t write positive in my fevered state. Improvements in my condition will include mental and cognitive functioning, not just the physical (do any of you have problems typing certain words? one of mine is physical which always comes out as physiacal or pysiclial). After our successful trip to Devizes for the ruby wedding anniversary I then planned to have a couple of glasses of champagne on christmas day and have some christmas lunch, Kate even put a bottle in the fridge in preparation. So, on christmas day I can’t eat, drink and speak.

I got through the present opening well enough, as did the lovely children, and Kate only slightly raised her voice a couple of times. Kate and Jaike then began cooking a full English and I took myself to the bedroom. I could smell all the lovely aromas but knew I’d be having none of it. I couldn’t even talk with Kate about how I felt, I think that this was my lowest point yet. I felt trapped, like some sort of mental claustrophobia. For probably the first time in my life I had a brief insight into hopelessness, it is incredibly distressing.

But you’re not writing about improvements Duncan, well I am, and it’s got nothing to do with that black eyed pea person. I was expecting to eat and drink on christmas day, when I couldn’t this made what was already pretty intolerable even more so. Check out David’s first manifesto point in comment on last blog. I’d ‘let my guard down’ and allowed the buzz of the champagne and social conviviality to seduce me. The improvement is in increased awareness.

Kate, Jaike, Grace and Ruby were brilliant yesterday, especially Kate. She was responsible for making the day into one that all the children enjoyed and her grumpy, crabby husband got through.

And yet there are some small signs of improvement. There were no level 10 pains yesterday, I felt sure I could taste honey and certainly the mocha flavour of one of the fortisips (the nutritional stuff I’m injecting into my peg) I’d swallowed a bit of and which kept unpleasantly repeating.Last night  I was in bed from 11.30 until 3.00 a.m. instead of staying on the sofa as I have the previous few nights. Swallowing very slightly easier and less after effects.

Careful Duncan, don’t get carried away now, these may all be illusory because of morphine muddlement and sleep deprivation.

But all the treatment torture has finally finished, at least I can look forward to reclaiming my body and mind.

Enough of me, isn’t it cheering to see the latest shift in the polls with labour going up, tories down and ukip at best flatlining. The always optimistic part of me explains this recent trend to more people finally waking up and seeing the tory austerity bollocks for what it is, that despite all their faults labour are the best bet for all those who aren’t rich and the sheer unpleasantness of ukip. Kate phoned up my key nurse a couple of days ago and she told Kate how she just bursts out laughing now whenever she sees farage on TV after me replying to various medics question “do I have any allergies” with “only farage”. Gave me a little warm glow hearing that.

Made me a little sad reading Julie Limb’s card when she wrote she’ll miss my blog when this is all over. Well, it will be a few years yet before it’s all over with the crabby thing, they keep an eye on you for 5 years with regular checkups before giving the all clear. And there is still the chance that all this treatment will have been for nought. Anyway, I enjoy writing it and it will continue in some form or other, so even if it’s just you reading it Julie I will keep on keeping on.

I like David’s thinking re. positive thinking, but will amend slightly:

Manifesto 48:

  • ban simplistic positive thinking. Positive thinkers look haughtily DOWN on others of a different persuasion and do not allow, for example, the simple pleasure of things turning out better than feared. Instead develop a more properly holistic approach, can’t have the Ying without the other thing.

Keep on keeping on, love Duncan.

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3 thoughts on “Up the positive.

  1. Hi Duncan,

    I have missed your blog for a few days, some distraction has been taking place , just caught up.You have made it through to the end of this ghastly treatment, so you can shift your mindset a little: no-one external is doing anything to you anymore, there is just the little internal intruder to deal with. Brilliant! You and your team have hit the ridge, you can climb slowly down the mountain now, every day getting slowly better again. Your mind seems in fine shape, which is a great asset, and your team can party with you on the sidelines, which is another……soon enough, you’ll be joining in again, the energy rising. I understand other people saying they will miss your blog, I can relate to that, but I won’t – I’ll enjoy more this occasional thought that Duncan doesn’t do that any more, he has come back to the world, back from this journey, back to us all. And, perhaps, one day, I will get to meet you too: I would like that. Send an email or postal address some time. Oh, and a belated Merry Christmas to you and Kate and your children: keep on trucking!

    Richard

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  2. Nicely written Richard and thank you. Whilst Duncancer will fade, hopefully, I feel there may be some blog morphing. And congratulations, this comment of yours is the 200th and your prize is in the ether. I’d like to meet you too, Kate certainly wants to see you again. X

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