Not doing very well lately as this becomes a rather intermittent blog. Thing is writing my typical blog takes 1-2 hours and in my current state I can’t stay on task, as we say in the SEN game, anywhere near that long. Wrote a fair bit yesterday but it didn’t save, and that was probably my best writing yet.
It’s been very hard in ways I’d never envisaged. Not eating and drinking I knew would be difficult, I also knew having this at christmas even harder but it suddenly denies you so much of the basics of life, not just the physical and sensory, but the social and psychological. I even ‘eat’ at different times as it’s not pleasant for others to see me injecting into my stomach while they’re eating, should cover myself up like a baby at the breast.
I knew there was a possibility of losing my voice but hadn’t contemplated it a great deal. It creates immediate frustrations as we are so dependent on communication to oil our lives. Obviously writing is an answer, but somewhat laborious. I can sign to some extent with Makaton, but no one else knows it in the household.
I recall from various programmes and documentaries about deaf/mute people that there is a high degree of anger, is this the case? Because from my brief experience it is incredibly frustrating, especially when in an environment where everyone else is speaking. I think I wrote in my last blog about feeling very low and isolated on christmas morning, this is reflected in the following quote: “Not being able to talk sucks. There’s no doubt about that. There’s a lot of times when I almost feel like I’m trapped inside of myself. Like if I don’t talk or yell or scream or laugh I’m going to explode. A lot of the time it almost feels like I’m suffocating.”
― Keary Taylor, What I Didn’t Say
I’ve touched on feeling more vulnerable before and this seems to have developed alongside increased sensitivity. If someone touches me lightly when I’m not aware I will twitch, even ‘jump’. I think it’s some sort of hypersensitivity which my body has developed, it realises I’m not 100% physically and is compensating to help. Does feel very weird though as I keep ‘jumping’ so often.
So we have the annual post christmas sport of writing about fox hunting. There was a piece about fox hunting in the Grauniad by someone calling themselves Melissa Kite, a quick search reveals she writes for GQ, the Spectator, the mail and sunday telegraph. One of her accusations is that objectors to hunting are perpetrating a class war. And what’s your point Ms Kite? Of course it’s class war, but it’s a term you and your class (and lackeys and apologists and arse lickers) use only one way. For example you keep quiet about the austerity campaign which is basically class war against the poor. All the poor folk’s hunting and other activities involving the killing of animals have been made illegal because they are cruel. Are foxes somehow different to these other animals? The hunting toffs have generally ignored the law anyway. Lovely photo in yesterday’s Grauniad of a hunter falling off her horse in front of a number of onlookers, how embarrassing. In times when so many are struggling, to witness the toffs parading round on expensive horses chasing poor renard, which is supposed to be illegal, then it is very clearly class war.
- all those who continue to maintain that chasing a small mammal while sat on a much larger mammal and dressed in some ridiculous outfit be ridiculed in ways deemed suitable by fair minded folk. They also need to be aware that they call this ‘hunting’ with the odds against the poor fox rather large: 1 fox against lots of weirdly dressed toffs on horseback plus large pack of hounds.
Keep on keeping on, love Duncan.