Mission Statement, don’t make me laugh.

Still feeling somewhat tired so trying to rest up over the next few days so I’m not too tired for Budapest. Usual nightly dry mouth wake-up, seems like this is something I’ll have for the rest of my life unless I can get new salivary glands, anyone know of any spare ones going? Couldn’t get back to sleep for quite a while as I worried over extending delays sorting out completing forms for ill health retirement, it could mean some tighter finances for a while.

I cooked beefburgers for the family last night and some of them were bird’s eye. I was taken aback when they were cooked as they’d shrunk to pretty much half their uncooked size and the roasting tray was awash with liquid, probably mainly water. Immediately I swore I’d buy no more bird’s eye products, it’s fraud where these food conglomerates hoodwink us and do all they can to maximise their profits. Of course they are simply behaving like all the other kleptos. We are living in a world where we are all in thrall to ‘big business’ and it’s increasingly bad for our common wealth and our common health. One of the ever increasing examples of the food companies corrupted behaviour is from the following international analysis:

through the aggressive marketing of ultra-processed food and drink, multinational companies were now major drivers of the world’s growing epidemic of chronic diseases such as heart disease, cancer and diabetes.”

Powerful piece in today’s Observer by Armando Iannucci, he wrote ‘The Thick of It’ amongst many others, the title is: “Politics was once about beliefs and society. Now it’s a worship of money”, enough written, eh?  One of the things he writes is that politicians worry about not appearing grown-up enough so they ape business types as if that’s the default way to be, like Grayson Perry’s ‘default man’. If we give any thought to this thesis we begin easily to see the evidence all around us. For me it’s in education: every school is now run like a business with all the business accroutrements of policies, risk assessments, mission statements, audits and bleedin’ metrics everywhere. And the essence of education increasingly marginalised. I’m absolutely sure those in other professions and trades have a similar story.

But as with every edifice there are cracks, the cracks where those of us of an alternative disposition can find some solace with each other. One recent very moving solace for me was in the form of three emails from Kenyans who work at Kegoye special unit,  my class raised money for presents, materials and furniture for them. The following was from one of their missives: ” Endelea kuendelea mbele-keep on keeping on. Get well soon(afya afueni). God be with you. We love you.” It’s making me cry again reading their emails and writing about them.

Mission statements, what a load of bollocks. Just think how much companies spend time, effort and money to produce something that ‘defines their company’ with some exposition of the bleedin’ obvious or the outright mendacious. They all do it:


“At Microsoft, we work to help people and businesses throughout the world realize their full potential. This is our mission. Everything we do reflects this mission and the values that make it possible”

So, they work to help people realize their full potential … so does every teacher in the history of forever. (from a blog called ‘Life of an Architect’). This is similar to the mission statement of the company that owns my school.

Here’s some examples of more truthful mission statements I nicked from ‘Humor Times’:

To skin alive as many people as it takes to get our second home in the Bahamas.

To be able to declare bankruptcy in a few months without anyone finding where we have stashed our wad.

To raise enough money with our charity drives that we can live well and still have enough left over to send to the starving children in our posters.

To see how far we can get with this sort of business before it becomes illegal.

To have enough employees that we at the top levels never have to do any real work.

We must work, so we might as well be doing this.

To achieve the level of control and power over people that concentration camps had in as short a period of time as possible.

To get enough dorks to buy our stupid products that we can afford to dress as cool as we know we are.

Here’s hsbc’s mission statement: We aspire to be one of the world’s great specialist banking groups, driven by
commitment to our core philosophies and values”. And their core philosophies and values are? I’m sure many of you can answer this, suggestions please in comments.

Manifesto 95:

  • mock all mission statements.

Keep on keeping on, love Duncan


2 thoughts on “Mission Statement, don’t make me laugh.

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